my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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