At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
