Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
