she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
