She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize