i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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