soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
