yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
