That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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