I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
