I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
