does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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