Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
