Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
only you would photoshop your dick
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
