He uses pillows to masturbate.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
