Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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