I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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