my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
