dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
