I'm gonna have a badass scar
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
