The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
