Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
