I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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