i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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