Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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