If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
