I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
