Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
And then he peed in my hair
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