Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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