your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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