This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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