Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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