I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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