Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My ATM looks so different sober.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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