do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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