Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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