too bad you live with your parents still
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
