I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Couch. On fire.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
