dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
