I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
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Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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