Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
