is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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