i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
