i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize