If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
