Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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