He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Everyone says I win the strip club
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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