I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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