He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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