she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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