After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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