I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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