there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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