I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
