well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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