I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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