My girlfriend figured out who you are.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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