I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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