matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
