The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
