Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
