My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
