Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
