YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
